Period of silence as I approach my one year mark

The weeks coming up to my one year mark of wandering were troublesome to me. I was perturbed and relentlessly bothered by an inner voice and an inner clock that ticks and is urging me to make a decision, and quick. All the events leading up to the restlessness come from various sources: parents, friends from home, my own perception of time, etc. Based on my nature and the habits I have developed over the years, I am not usually one that sits and contemplate the clock ticks by; the complete opposite of a loafer! I was able to justify it to myself to take a break from work for one year, especially since I have started working since I was 13 years old. However, the time has come and I still have no defined answer...

I have started to label myself as the lonely and weary wanderer. How incredible is that? I left home tired of the daily routine, of the mundane existence in order to search for spice, colour, music, new emotions in my life and broaden my horizon. I have found it, lived it, and slowly but surely got tired by it. I have reached a point where I can no longer stand the thought of sitting in a bus for over 8hrs... I dread it... and to think about how I actually enjoyed the 72+hrs ride from Nazca of Peru to Buenos Aires in Argentina last Christmas... I do not have the same spirit as I had at the time. I have a love and hate relationship with my backpack. It had been my best companion for over the past year but yet now I dread the time where I'd have to pick it up again. I no longer delight in the 3-4 days discovery of a city, but rather deeper relationships where one makes connections with another human being, getting to know the culture from within, hearing the joyful and sorrowful tales from those that live, share the laughter and tears, get a deeper grasp of the subtle differences between regions of the same country, learn to distinguish between the different accents, get a better grasp of how the judicial, legal bureaucratic system works, understand the social conducts, get a better grasp of the intercultural difference between South Americans and its associated preconceived stereotypes and prejudices and finally falling in love in Latin Americans.

My health has taken a toll as well with my share of dysentry, diarrhea, infection and the amount of antibiotics that I have taken in the past year thanks to my carelessness and adventurous attempts to try everything and anything... The amount of antibiotics that I have ingested is probably the same amount that I have taken over the course of my whole lifetime!!! This is a serious an affirmation, not an overstatement.

I am tired, I am scared that I have failed, my body's exhausted, I feel lonely, I'm lost more than ever! Yes I have accomplished so much and my Spanish is superb, but I am soooo tired! I need to put that knowledge that I have learnt towards something productive and settle down in ONE place and get some kind of routine to nurture my health, my spirit and soul back to health.

In this state of total unrest and restlessness, I reached out for help. Because, as much as I tried talking and reasoning with myself, I felt like I am hearing echos of my own voice so much I am wrapped in my own world...

I would like to thank the people who have provided me the right words and advices, at a crucial time in my life!!! Below I will share you their wise words with you, as I sense, it may apply to many more than me :)

I found solace and strength from these special words of my valuable friends from back home. Thank you for taking the time to and effort to share your wise words and experience, they have mitigated tremendously my state of unrest.

My dear friends have shared with me their wise words:

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You are not alone in your state of unrest.

It is a change of seasons and though people may think it is complete bunk, it has an affect on the self. You are part of nature.

Relinquish your expectations of what this trip was to bring you. You may be surprised that you have attained them, but not in the way that you thought

Now onto your health. I suspect the pressure from your family is because they have not seen you for a year, they do not know what you have planned as time progresses and they know, from experience the value of time. Each moment cannot be captured. this is a concept that so much of us has forgotten. When you work that weekend, you are unable to gain that time again. Life is about choices. You can choose on thing and if you are not satisfied, choose another.

I think one of the successes of this last year has been your complete autonomy. You have depended on yourself in situations that no one else can imagine. You have confronted patterns and pre/conceived notions about what is happiness, how to live life, who is right, what s wrong. From working full-time, living at home and having a pretty structured environment, you went to the extreme. It is acceptable that your body is tired, your mind is confused, your emotions are stretched and you are even less sure of what you were before.

You are growing, changing, experiencing and living.

You are alive. You survived.

Make a decision, go with it. If it doesn't work out, make another decision. You are smart and healthy chica.

Maybe you need some time on your own, like a retreat. To write out your thoughts, to sleep for hours on end, to meditate, to eat healthy food.

The sun will set tonight and will rise tomorrow.

Know that you are loved.

Muchos besos,"
- Sam, an amazing friend who has been with me in spirit throughout my journey.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"You're never lost. Your family and friends are close to you the moment you need them. And you're qualified better than anyone else who wants the same spot as you. Qualified, hard working people with experience are hard to find. Your current experience is valuable. I would rather hire you than you without what you've learned and lived.

What's a year? What's the clock ticking?


You got no reason to feel guilty for LIVING. Just keep your head.

You're not doing all this for nothing. On the contrary just keep your head. THat goes both ways. Follow your heart. But respect your mind.

You've always been pretty mind heavy. Me too but never as much as you!Safety belts and air bags and brakes, especially good steering is most important. At any speed. No brakes if possible. Then you don't need the seat belts & air bags. Miss you :) Thank god for technology and damn geography."

- Mike, a great friend working in the IT field. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


"In my opinion, you are dealing with too much. I don't know how you can take on such huge life changing decisions when the timing doesn't seem to be right yet.  I don't think it's fair to give you that one year deadline to find your answer to life and I also don't believe that you must be abroad to find it... Though being abroad can help speed up the process and help you find inspiration more easily.  The thing is... It might take you years before you find your answer!  But right now, there needs to be some kinda time out for you.  A time out where you can let go of all your worries, where you can properly reflect on the past year, where you can rest, in a stable and safe environment.

Things have constantly been happening to you during the past year where you've been forced to constantly be on a high alert, whether it's to learn, maximize your experience, protect yourself from danger, find possible answers... Omg Jenny... That's incredibly exhausting.  I don't know how you manage to stay relatively sane!

So take a rest Jenny. Don't try to race against time.  I know you set a certain goal for yourself, but I hope you see too that things don't always happen the way we expect and so it's important to re adjust the goal."

- Tina, a close friend who has lived an abroad experience and has gone home and found her calling :)

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, I have kept in contact with my Mexican family back in San Luis Potosi. The father of Pepe has wrote to me on my facebook wall. Here is what he said:

"Gracias Jenny, déjame te informo que Pepe junior ya se está recuperando, pues ya no bebe el mismo. Ya lo comprendió y ojalá siga así. Te lo digo de nuevo tu fuiste un apoyo para mi hijo que nunca te podré pagar, que séas feliz. te manda saludar mi esposa "tia Juanita" y dice que te quiere mucho igual yo. "


Dice mi mujer que te recuerda con mucho amor que llegaste a manera de un angel salvador de mi hijo.Dice mi mujer y yo que nunca perdamos el contacto ya que como te dije que eres muy especial para nosotros dice que recuerda tus palabras que le dijiste. Me voy niña bonita escribamonos màs seguido pero principalmente recuerda que aparte de amarte te extrañamos mucho. Cuidate"


Translation:
"Thank you Jenny, let me inform you that Pepe Junior is recuperating, he no longer drinks as much as in the past. He now understood and God willing continues this way. I repeat to you once again, you were such a support for my son in ways that I could never repay you, nevertheless I wish you happiness. My wife "aunt Juanita" sends you her greetings and says that she loves you much, same as me.

My wife says that she remembers you with a lot of love and that you had arrived in the way of a salvation angel for my son. She says that they will never loose contact with me and that you are very special for us and that she remembers the words you told her. I will be going for now but we will write more often but mainly want you to remember from our part that we love you and miss you much. Take care."


- Jose Cesar Morales Aguillon -
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After returning from Peru, I decided to finally rent a room in order to cook homey food, get a routine, rest and regain strength. Where else to do it best than in Villa Tunari, where my boyfriend was impatiently waiting for my return...

N.B. The pics of the insects are from my precious Villa Tunari :)